The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
