My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
that's an acceptable place to lick
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
