i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Your cock deserves a montage
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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