My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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