Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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