just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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