I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
