it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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