There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
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The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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