Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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