Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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