Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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