god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
