I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
