Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
