My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
