It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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