But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
