You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
