Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
