Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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