It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Drake has all the answers
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
