i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
