A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
