so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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