what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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