hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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