my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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