I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
