we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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