Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
