last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
