Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
