No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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