so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
