I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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