Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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