If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
