I want to make a zoo with you.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
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and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
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Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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