I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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