so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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