Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
