Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
