who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
