I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
