She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
