If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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