Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
