On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
