I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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