so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
