Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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