You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
